Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
