Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
