got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
