Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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