there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
