had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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