I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Found the puke drawer
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
