Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
