Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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