I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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