i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
