a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
