I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
