perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
