from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
