Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
