did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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