it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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