forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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