Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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