My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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