I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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