He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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