I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
