You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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