dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
