I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
