the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
