drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
