You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
