He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
