Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
