listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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