from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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