Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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