I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Randomize
