You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
