If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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