Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
