Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
