mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
