dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
