someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
