I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
