I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
