apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
