I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
