I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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