saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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