He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
