I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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