All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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