If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
